A Voice in the Wilderness
There’s something profoundly unsettling about reading a memoir that feels like it could have been plucked from the recesses of your own mind. Anna Marie Tendler’s “Men Have Called Her Crazy” is that kind of book—raw, unflinching, and achingly familiar to anyone who’s ever grappled with the complexities of being a woman in a world that often seems designed to break you.
As I turned the pages of Tendler’s debut memoir, I found myself nodding along, sometimes laughing, sometimes fighting back tears. It’s a book that doesn’t just tell a story; it holds up a mirror to the collective experience of countless women who’ve been labeled “crazy” for daring to feel deeply, to question the status quo, or simply to exist in a way that doesn’t conform to societal expectations.
A Journey Through the Looking Glass
At its core, “Men Have Called Her Crazy” is a memoir about mental health, self-discovery, and the insidious ways in which patriarchal structures can shape and distort a woman’s sense of self. Tendler, known for her work as an artist and designer, takes us on a journey through her own psychological landscape, centered around a two-week stay in a psychiatric hospital in early 2021.
But this isn’t just a story about a hospital stay. It’s a kaleidoscopic exploration of the events and relationships that led Tendler to that point—from unrequited high school crushes to a troubling relationship with an older man in her teens, from the frustrations of modern dating to the complex decision to freeze her eggs. Through it all, Tendler’s voice is brutally honest, darkly funny, and deeply relatable.
The Art of Vulnerability: Tendler’s Writing Style
Raw Honesty and Poetic Precision
One of the most striking aspects of “Men Have Called Her Crazy” is Tendler’s writing style. It’s as if she’s taken a scalpel to her own psyche and is presenting her findings with unflinching precision. Her prose is at once raw and poetic, capable of capturing the messy, contradictory nature of human emotion with startling clarity.
Take, for instance, her description of a panic attack:
“My brain is percolating with activity and is narrating every single move I am making. I am glad I brought a notebook with me to the hospital. What if I fill the notebook? What if I cannot get any more paper? Worse, what if I am having all these thoughts and I do not fill the notebook?”
It’s a passage that perfectly encapsulates the spiraling nature of anxiety, the way it can turn even the most mundane concerns into existential crises. Tendler’s ability to articulate these experiences is one of the book’s greatest strengths.
Humor as a Lifeline
Despite the heavy subject matter, Tendler’s wit shines through, providing moments of levity that prevent the narrative from becoming overwhelmingly bleak. Her self-deprecating humor and keen observations about the absurdities of life add depth and dimension to the story.
For example, when describing her decision to freeze her eggs, Tendler quips,
“I decided not to repeat IVF again…
…I’m afraid there won’t be room for me, and she’s afraid I won’t want to be as big a part of her life. I’m afraid that once everyone in our group has children except for me, I’ll be unimportant—the single, childless woman to whom they can no longer relate.”
It’s a moment that perfectly balances humor and heartache, highlighting Tendler’s ability to find lightness even in the darkest moments.
Unpacking the Suitcase: Key Themes and Insights
The Weight of Expectations
Throughout the memoir, Tendler grapples with the crushing weight of societal expectations placed on women. From body image issues to the pressure to find a partner and start a family, she lays bare the ways in which these expectations can warp a woman’s sense of self-worth.
One particularly poignant moment comes when Tendler reflects on her decision to freeze her eggs:
“I’m often preoccupied by thoughts of what my life will look like without children. Will I be sad when all my friends have kids but me? Will I have regrets?? Will I feel left out??? Will the bonds of shared experience draw those friends closer to one another while pushing me to the outside????”
It’s a passage that captures the anxiety and self-doubt that can come with choosing a path that diverges from societal norms, and it’s likely to resonate with many readers who’ve grappled with similar questions.
The Double-Edged Sword of Male Attention
One of the most compelling aspects of the book is Tendler’s exploration of her relationships with men. From her high school crush Julian to her marriage and subsequent divorce, Tendler lays bare the complexities and contradictions of heterosexual relationships in a patriarchal society.
Particularly striking is her account of her relationship with Sam, a much older man she dated as a teenager. Tendler doesn’t shy away from the problematic nature of this relationship, but she also resists simplistic narratives of victimhood. Instead, she presents a nuanced exploration of power dynamics, desire, and the ways in which young women are often forced to navigate situations they’re ill-equipped to handle.
The Healing Power of Art and Self-Expression
Throughout the memoir, Tendler’s artistic sensibilities shine through. Her descriptions of her creative processes—whether it’s making lampshades or taking self-portraits—serve as a testament to the healing power of art and self-expression.
In one particularly moving passage, Tendler describes how she turned to photography as a means of coping with her depression: “After that first portrait in the snow, I continued taking self-portraits as a means of survival. I needed to remind myself that I still existed.”
It’s a powerful reminder of the ways in which art can serve as a lifeline during our darkest moments, allowing us to reconnect with ourselves and find beauty even in pain.
The Hospital Stay: A Microcosm of Human Experience
A Cast of Characters
Tendler’s account of her two-week stay in a psychiatric hospital serves as the narrative backbone of the memoir, and it’s here that her storytelling skills truly shine. She brings the hospital to life with vivid descriptions and a colorful cast of characters, from the enigmatic Shawn to the kind-hearted Mary.
These interactions provide some of the book’s most touching moments, highlighting the connections that can form even in the most unlikely of circumstances. Tendler’s description of her bond with her fellow patients is particularly moving:
“I’m sad I didn’t get to say goodbye. In the kitchen I realize she has left the Cuban oregano and the jade plant she potted before I arrived. I decide to take Caitlyn’s plants along with Mary’s and my own. The thought of leaving them to wither on the kitchen table or to be thrown out when no one claims them makes me deeply sad.”
It’s a moment that beautifully captures the bittersweet nature of these fleeting but profound connections.
The Complexities of Diagnosis and Treatment
Tendler doesn’t shy away from critiquing the mental health care system, particularly when it comes to the ways in which women’s experiences are often pathologized or dismissed. Her account of receiving her diagnosis is particularly thought-provoking:
“On the final page of my assessment, Dr. Samuels formally diagnoses me with generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, and borderline personality disorder. The first two are givens, holdovers from a previous doctor, but the latter two are a shock. No one ever suggested these disorders to me while I was in the hospital, nor has anyone since.”
This passage raises important questions about the nature of diagnosis, the power dynamics inherent in the doctor-patient relationship, and the ways in which mental health issues are understood and treated in our society.
A Journey Towards Self-Acceptance
The Path to Healing
Perhaps the most powerful aspect of “Men Have Called Her Crazy” is Tendler’s portrayal of her journey towards self-acceptance and healing. It’s not a neat, linear progression – there are setbacks, moments of doubt, and ongoing struggles. But there’s also growth, resilience, and hard-won wisdom.
Tendler’s reflections on her progress are particularly moving:
“I won’t pretend that I’m miraculously happy now, that I never think about wanting to die. I do. But my old brain before the hospital would think: I want to die. I deserve to die. No one will ever love me. Why am I even alive? Maybe I should act on this now so I don’t have to feel this way anymore. Now my brain thinks: I want to die. Okay, what is this feeling, really? This is grief. Grief is one of the hardest feelings to feel.”
It’s a passage that offers hope without resorting to saccharine platitudes, acknowledging the ongoing nature of mental health struggles while also highlighting the possibility of developing healthier coping mechanisms.
Conclusion: A Beacon in the Dark
“Men Have Called Her Crazy” is not an easy read. It’s challenging, uncomfortable, and at times deeply painful. But it’s also profoundly important. In sharing her story with such raw honesty, Tendler has created a work that serves as both a mirror and a lifeline for readers grappling with their own struggles.
This memoir stands as a testament to the power of vulnerability, the importance of questioning societal norms, and the ongoing journey of self-discovery. It’s a book that will likely resonate deeply with many women, but its insights into the human experience make it valuable reading for anyone interested in mental health, gender dynamics, or the complexities of modern life.
Tendler may not have all the answers, but in “Men Have Called Her Crazy,” she asks the right questions. And sometimes, that’s exactly what we need—not a roadmap, but a companion on the journey. This book is that companion—honest, flawed, and utterly human.
In a world that often tries to silence women’s voices or dismiss their experiences, Tendler’s memoir stands as a defiant cry: We are here. We are complex. And our stories deserve to be heard.
