Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend by M.J. Wassmer

Ever had one of those vacations where everything just goes spectacularly wrong? You know, the kind where you lose your luggage, get food poisoning, and maybe—oh, I don’t know—witness the sun exploding? Well, buckle up, buttercup, because M.J. Wassmer’s debut novel “Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend” is about to take you on the wildest island getaway you’ve never wanted.

Welcome to Paradise… Now Run for Your Life!

Picture this: You’re Dan Foster, a self-proclaimed underachiever with a penchant for Miller Lite and a girlfriend way out of your league. You’ve finally scraped together enough cash (and courage) to book a trip to the Bahamas. Sun, sand, and maybe a chance to prove you’re not a total waste of space. What could possibly go wrong?

Oh, honey. Everything. Everything could go wrong.

When the Lights Go Out, the Fun Begins

Wassmer’s novel starts with a bang—literally. One minute, Dan’s working on his tan and wondering if he can expense his beach drinks to his crappy job at Marvel Maids. The next? The sun decides to call it quits, leaving our hapless hero and a resort full of increasingly unhinged guests to duke it out in the dark.

What follows is a riotous romp through the end of the world, Bahamas-style. Think “Lord of the Flies” meets “The White Lotus,” with a healthy dose of “This Is the End” thrown in for good measure. It’s a potent cocktail of biting satire, slapstick comedy, and genuine heart that’ll leave you laughing, cringing, and maybe—just maybe—reconsidering your next all-inclusive getaway.

Meet the Cast of Castaways

Wassmer populates his doomed island paradise with a colorful cast of characters, each more delightfully awful than the last:

• Dan Foster: Our reluctant hero, a man whose greatest ambition in life seems to be avoiding ambition altogether.
• Mara: Dan’s way-too-good-for-him girlfriend, who might just be the only person on the island with more than two brain cells to rub together.
• Lilyanna Collins: A BeachBod boss babe with an iron fist and a smile that could curdle milk. Think MLM meets dictator, and you’re halfway there.
• Rico Flores: Head of security and walking steroid advertisement. His biceps have biceps, and his moral compass is… let’s say “flexible.”
• Alan and Charles: A married couple who prove that love can bloom even in the face of impending doom (and really bad resort food).

A Buffet of Dysfunction

As the situation on the island deteriorates faster than the contents of an abandoned mini-fridge, alliances form and crumble. The haves (Building A guests) square off against the have-nots (Buildings B and C), with Dan and his ragtag band of misfits caught in the middle. It’s a pressure cooker of class warfare, survival instincts, and increasingly questionable fashion choices. (Pro tip: Always pack a backup outfit for the apocalypse.)

More Than Just a Laugh Riot

Don’t let the zany premise fool you – beneath the sunburned surface, “Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend” has some serious things to say about human nature, class divide, and the sometimes-toxic pursuit of self-improvement. Wassmer deftly weaves these themes throughout the narrative, never letting the social commentary overshadow the humor.

The Dark Side of Paradise

As the situation on the island spirals out of control, we’re forced to confront some uncomfortable truths about how quickly society can break down when the chips are down (or, in this case, when the sun goes out). The way different characters react to the crisis—from Dan’s reluctant heroism to Lilyanna’s iron-fisted takeover—serves as a biting commentary on how we behave when pushed to our limits.

Laugh or You’ll Cry

One of the novel’s greatest strengths is its ability to balance laugh-out-loud moments with genuine pathos. Just when you think you can’t take another absurd twist, Wassmer hits you with a gut punch of emotion that reminds you these are real people (well, fictional real people) grappling with an impossible situation.

A Voice as Fresh as a Sea Breeze

For a debut novelist, Wassmer displays a remarkably assured voice. His prose crackles with wit, and he has a knack for finding humor in even the darkest situations. Take this gem, for example:

“He wanted to draw her face. It was a weird thought, probably, but the way the moonlight stretched across the woods and then the lake and then rested on her face – like it’d travelled 240,000 miles just to illuminate her – made him want to draw it. He was terrible at drawing. His houses looked like fire trucks, and his fire trucks looked like dogs.”

It’s this kind of observational humor, coupled with Dan’s endearingly self-deprecating inner monologue, that keeps the pages turning even as the situation on the island grows increasingly dire.

A Roller Coaster of Emotions

Wassmer takes us on a wild ride, ping-ponging between hilarity and heartbreak with dizzying speed. One minute you’re cackling at Dan’s attempts to navigate the social minefield of a post-apocalyptic resort, and the next you’re genuinely moved by the bonds forming between unlikely allies. It’s a delicate balancing act, but Wassmer pulls it off with aplomb.

Not Your Average Beach Read

While “Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend” is undeniably a comedy, it’s not afraid to get weird. Really weird. Without spoiling too much, let’s just say that the explanation for what’s really going on takes the story in some truly unexpected directions. It’s a bold choice that might not work for everyone, but I found it refreshingly bonkers.

A Descent into Delightful Madness

As the truth about the island is revealed, the novel veers into sci-fi territory that wouldn’t feel out of place in a “Black Mirror” episode. It’s a testament to Wassmer’s skill as a writer that this shift feels organic rather than jarring. He’s laid enough breadcrumbs throughout the story that when the big reveal hits, it feels both surprising and inevitable.

The Verdict: Pack Your Bags (and Your Sense of Humor)

“Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend” is a riotous debut that announces M.J. Wassmer as a comedic voice to watch. It’s the perfect beach read for people who like their escapism with a hefty dose of existential dread and cutting social satire.

Who Should Book This Trip?

This novel is perfect for:

• Fans of absurdist comedy with a satirical edge
• Anyone who’s ever had a vacation go horribly, hilariously wrong
• Readers who enjoy their apocalyptic fiction with a side of snark
• Those who’ve always suspected their all-inclusive resort was hiding dark secrets

Final Thoughts

Is “Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend” a perfect novel? No. There are moments where the pacing lags, and some of the secondary characters could use a bit more development. But these are minor quibbles in what is overall a wildly entertaining debut.

Wassmer has crafted a story that’s equal parts hilarious and thought-provoking, skewering everything from social media influencers to toxic masculinity along the way. It’s a promising start for a new author, and I, for one, can’t wait to see what sun-soaked insanity he cooks up next.

So grab your sunscreen, pack your sense of humor, and get ready for a vacation you’ll never forget—no matter how hard you might try. Just remember: always, always get the travel insurance.